Dating a karate instructor

We choose to hand over a lot of power to the sensei because of his experience and training. A sensei who uses this to his advantage even if it is to get dates is wrong. He or she still is using his or her power to their advantage. What should we do and what rules should be created? Right now, it is up to the individual person and schools. But a rule of a sensei not dating their students while they are members of that dojo is not unreasonable. Jim, I don't think he was kidding. I am pretty sure who he is talking about in regards to the pedophile who is no longer allowed to teach children.

Patrice O'Neal "How Dating Is Like Karate Class"

There are a lot of folks out there like that in the martial arts industry it should or shouldn't surprise you. Try this site out. What happened was this: I was there almost every day for 6 months with no problems unbeknownst to me, his attention was focused on another student , everything was fine. Then I started helping out around the dojo more, and yeah, I did get a little closer to him, and yeah, there was the hand on the leg etc, but it was not clear for many months where this was going to go, if anywhere. I did try to talk to him about these little occurences, because he was living with someone else, and I don't date people who have girlfriends, and then he'd back off, then it would happen again, etc.

I finally left when it became apparent that the situation would not resolve itself. The bad stuff was mixed up with a fair amount of good stuff and I did have feelings for this guy. I stuck around because I don't live in an area where there are alot of places to practice aikido, and I really like aikido, and I thought if I just talked to him I could get the situation ironed out. The person I saw get groped on the mat lasted exactly one day.

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Does that make it OK, just because she had the good sense to leave? What about the next victim? As I have said to you before, I am less concerned with my relationship with the guy than with the pattern of behavior I have since become aware of. It kindof changes the picture. BTW I was in the middle of a personal crisis at the time this was happening, and mr X was playing the role of concerned counselor, which is exactly how he got involved with his current gf, she was in the middle of a divorce, and he said "oh, I am so worried about her" next thing your know Ordinarily, I am a very strong person, but I was going through a tough spot and this person appeared to be offering support turns out with strings attached.

Also, there should be no dating anyone who owns a business. Oh, and no dating anyone who owns a market if you shop there. Hmm, if you listen to a musician, you cannot date them. Also actors whose films you like. The sensei does not have power over anyone who is not in desparate need of counselling, and those folks can create a sense of control that is not there. Yes, abused wives who do not leave their husbands need to be repeatedly told to leave, i know i was told and told until he almost killed me.

But it was not his fault i stayed, he took advantage of an illness in me, and that is why i got counselling. As for the touching issues, well, this is a MA, and in another long thread we covered why we as women don't want males afraid to train with us. If it is purposeful and be sure you know the difference then follow my earlier advice.

But that is not different than entering into the relationship because a great figure or large income is attractive. But be responsible for your actions and don't blame the previous object of your desire when it does not work out. But none of the folks were forced into a relationship, thye are just complaining that they don't think others having them is fair. I just think if we as women as the complaints came from women want to be taken seriously, we need to be responsible for our own actions. Move on with your own life. He may be a cad, he may not, but so what. If he is as bad as you say, and all vote with their feet, he will change or close the dojo.

You may be both kyu students, but what happens after he passes shodan. Or is shodan and first kyu worse than 6th dan to shodan? One of two things occured with your situation: But you cannot run around trying to protect them from the world 'though some may want that very result. You need to get them into counselling so they stop being the kind of person who attracts predators. Looking back with wiser eyes i see a lteral feeding frenzy of predators that appeared after my divorce; luckily good friends and a wonderful therapist taught me to avoid them.

Without them, i would have undoubtedly been snatched right up by the next predator. The best defense against them is to change the behavior of their prey. Originally posted by ca it is a lot harder to change the predators, even more difficult to rid the entire world of them. Predators don't die meekly.

instructors dating students [Archive] - AikiWeb Aikido Forums

We can address the predators actions through civil and criminal law. The predators are the ones responsible for the injuries they cause. A victims is not at fault for being vulnerable position in their life. Stop blaming the victim. Yes, victims need help, but if they don't realize they are in a bad position then why should they leave? Now, I will agree the the "victim mentality" does exist. What I mean by "victim mentality" is that there are people who play the role as an excuse not to get better. This is wrong behavior.

It is dysfunction and I will support you wholeheartedly in telling them to shipshape or ship out. But this is different from a real victim. A real victim can not necessarily help themselves out. A real victim has suffered a harm and is yet to reach the point where they can bring resolution to their problems. Taking advantage of their power does not just involve "you do this and I'll promote" it also includes a hostile atmosphere towards the women.

Dating in the Dojo: Good or Bad Idea?

The first is usually clear and cut. It is the second that is more subtle and harder to see and prove.

Anon's case seems to come closer to the later. She found the behavior offensive because she said "no" the first time and then he still made advances. She wants to study aikido and she doesn't have many options in her area in places to go to train. If she were in a bigger city the choice of other options would make sense. Maybe she doesn't want to learn another martial art either. You seem to be questioning or trying to make the point where we draw the line. I am saying that someone who is in a position of authority has power over another person, a subordinate, and that they should not use their position to assert or imply impropriety.

A customer in a market place, a person who buys music, or goes to the movie theatre are not subordinates to the marker owner, musician or actor. However, the parishsioners of a paster, the choir members of a choir director, the student of a teacher are subordinants and they should not date.

Now, if this relationship should no longer exist then they can date.

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Let's go through your hypotheticals I believe that is reasonable. I believe as long as that person is in a position of authority over another person, they should not be dating people they have authority over. But let's break it down. Does a choir director have control over all the parishoners? No, only those who are in the choir or perhaps trying out for the choir.

So the choir director can date a non-choir member. The minister generally has authority over other members in parish so yes no dating parish members. And finally the church board members. I'm not sure who they have control over. Think what you wrote here and think what I wrote. I said people who have position of authority over a subordinant. If the "anyone" is an employee, yes. If the "anyone" is a customer, no. The difference is the amount and the ability of control one has over the other. So a business owner may date their customer. Hmm, but the problem in martial arts students are very often subordinants as well as customers. This has been done in universities, where you can easily drop out of class. Potential problems start with what appears to be innocent dating but things get bad once people start saying, "no. Your training still is affected. Nope, a market owner has very little control over their customers except to prevent shoplifting.

So a market owner and customer may date. You really like slipperly slope arguing don't you? There is absolutely no control of the musician over the person who listens to their music. Of course they can date. The better analogy for musicians would be the music producer and musicians. The music producer would have some control over the musicians -- the ability to promote themselves and to make a living.

Sure they could go elsewhere but they could get blacklisted as well.